My fucked up life...

from PS

Fri, 03 Aug 2007 20:13:16 GMT

Life is a gift, accept it. Life is a challenge, meet it. Life is an adventure, dare it. Life is a sorrow, overcome it. Life is a tragedy, face it. life is a journey, complete it. Life is a promise, fulfill it. Life is a beauty, praise it. Life is a struggle, fight it. Life is a goal, achieve it.

Sorry

Thu, 08 Mar 2007 12:12:48 GMT

Sorry for posting such a stupid entry last time - after not posting like forever. Thanks to everyone who have taught of me and wondered how I am.
Well - how am I doing?
I don't really know. Everything is pretty chaotic - and that's pretty much why I haven't posted lately. Didn't know what to say...
I'm working on my ed/bulimia with my trauma therapist at the moment - and she has a totally different approach to the problem than I have ever tried before - but even tho everything feels totally chaotic right now - I feel just a glimpse of hope that she might be on to something. That I'm not a totally hopeless case after all - and that there's a way for me too. Even if I just got a little bit better...

Thu, 01 Mar 2007 22:43:31 GMT

Ok..................
Being drunk almost all the time really helps whit the ed, you guys!!!!
First - you get numbed - and don't really feel the urge to binge eat - second , you are numb enough to don't care if you in fact ate something- and third - being drunk is a PERFECT excuse to puke!!!!!
How can I not win.... Well except - end up as an alcoholic in stead.... well, well....

Trying to pick myself up again...

Tue, 09 Jan 2007 16:58:48 GMT

I started this year of in a rather pessimistic and depressed way.
All the years before - new years has at least to some degree inspired me to try to look at my life, an set some goals or at least have some wishes for the year ahead.
Needless to say they haven't come true in the way I wanted before - and this year I was so discouraged and tired of disappointments, and in disappointing myself that I actually made a point of not having ANY goals or even wishes.
I totally didn't care a shit about ANYTHING leading up to new years eve, drinking, "partying", ending up in bed with a friend on new years eve, with my husband sitting in the other room. (nothing happened - I didn't even wanted to, but still!!!). Started on some new meds 2. jan - which so far has just made me worse - more anxiety - NO sleep and I've just stopped eating (lost 6 lbs so far - ending up underweight again - which I'm kind of pleased about - even tho I know my husband doesn't exactly feel the same way...) but I've b/ped more the ever - just emptying out the kitchen of any possible left overs from x-mas.

I guess being disappointed that I can't manage to reach my goals or fulfill my dreams and wishes sucks - it sucks big time...
But honestly - so does this "I don't give a f**** " thing that I have tried to convinced myself of lately too.

So I guess I just have to try to pick myself up again...
...and keep trying...
...trying to find a way, to make better choices for myself, to keep moving - just hoping and praying that it's going in the right direction...

Lots of love to all of you guys! *hug*

Tue, 02 Jan 2007 14:47:09 GMT

- 2007 -

A new year...

And how do we start it of...?
Let's see...

I went to see my husband play the day before new years together with a friend of mine, and I got thrown out 'cos I was too slutty and the owner didn't understand that he's a friend of mine and I just get stupid when I drink!
Me and my husband had another "why do we even bother to try to work it out anymore" fights.
I swore I would not b/p anymore - lasted 5 hours.
I started on yet another medication today.
I bought yet another box of pills for my suicide security stash.
And my psychiatrist wants to get me admitted.

HAPPY NEW YEAR, DARLING!!!

I wonder...

Fri, 29 Dec 2006 16:46:23 GMT

If I never spoke again - maybe in the end I would become invisible.
Or if I just smiled and did what was expected, and answered and laughed in the right places - maybe I would end up as part of the wall paper - and no one would ever notice that I'm actually gone...

Or if I just stopped fighting for every breath - maybe my body would just give up and I would stop breathing, '
and my heart would just think "oh finally - I can rest" and flat line...

Fri, 29 Dec 2006 01:49:24 GMT

Haven't posted in a while. I'm sooooo depressed again. Totally suicidal. Why do I even bother to try anymore....

I just want to fast until there is nothing left of the disgusting,wrecked, horrible me!

Thu, 21 Dec 2006 16:44:07 GMT

Ok I need to focus!!! I'm not even almost on track with everything that needs to be done. But I just sit here like paralyzed! It's just overwhelming, and I don't seam to be able to do anything!

Thu, 21 Dec 2006 01:47:23 GMT

Binged all day again.
Maybe 'cos I've done all my grocery shopping for the holidays today - like I can ever stand a fridge full of food. And not the safe kind, I might add...
And I finished all the cookie baking, and made all the sweets... OMG!!!
Didn't purge today either.
I'm really in a kind of numb, self hating state of mind.
And I was afraid that if I started purging today I wouldn't stop before I'd emptied out my fridge, and finished off all the stuff I've made for Christmas!!!
...witch, btw, would have been fine if I was living alone!!! Then I could just call it a day, and this x-mas would finally be over - even before it has begun - OMG wouldn't that have been nice!!!!
But (sadly) I'm not alone, and I at least have to try to make (...or fake...?) a semi normal x-mas for my husband. And his whole family is coming to celebrate with us.

How f****ing crazy wouldn't that be, lol !!!

"..Ohhh Welcome!!!
We are so happy you're all here to celebrate this joyful holiday with us.... - ....oh, btw.. ups... I just binged and purged all the food in the house yesterday, so I'm sorry we don't have anything to offer you...

Well, wtf - who needs food! Lets drink!!! Cheers!!!"

Binged all day...

Tue, 19 Dec 2006 22:53:17 GMT

I've binged all day. Didn't have the energy to purge. I know it's stupid, 'cos it's only gonna make me more vulnerable and make the anxiety even worse. And I don't need that right now. I need to get a hold of myself and focus and get everything organized before x-mas. Urgh!!!! I'm so stupid!!! But it's just like when I have really bad flashbacks and stuff I just feel so disgusting and dirty and wrecked, and binge eating without purging becomes almost like a way to punish myself...

I need to get back on track. it's just so f****ing hard.

calmer - I guess...?

Tue, 19 Dec 2006 11:46:31 GMT

I'm still here...

I'm calmer today. Or just numb. I often get like that after sever panic attacks. Just zombie like. But I guess it's better than freaking out. So now I have to clean the house and get rid of any evidence from my crazy b/p shit last night, and practice my happy face so I'm ready when my husband gets home!

Just me freaking out...

Mon, 18 Dec 2006 22:04:15 GMT

I think I'm having kind of a reaction after the whole incident with the police this weekend. Just to know that my illness - the MPD/DiD, can get me so out of it that I'm not able to speak or explain myself.
I'm having constant flashbacks from all the years of abuse, the feeling of being trapped - not being able to escape, being held down. The state of mind where I just freeze and are unable to do anything.

I have binged and purged and popping valium in between all day.

I think I'm loosing it. I'm freaking out!!! I cant handle this. It's to much!!! I can't breath, I can't stand to be in my own skin. I just want to slash my whole body. I just feel so dirty and shamed, and wrecked.

Not etirely bulimia related - an update on my purge free weekend...

Mon, 18 Dec 2006 18:16:23 GMT

I'm sorry that I haven't been posting or managed to keep up with you all the last few days. I've been away, and had such a busy and crazy weekend.

I had so much to do this weekend - I guess that's supposed to be a good thing, it's just that I find it really tiring, 'cos I'm not able to do very much before it gets really hard for me. And it gets even more difficult if I can't purge. It just makes the ptsd and DiD problems worse, 'cos I use purging as kind of a vent for all that.

If any of you remember we went to see a musical on friday, had my birthday party at saturday, and my final concert on sunday. And I was staying with a friend of mine who's an x-bulimic, so I didn't want to purge at her house, and I didn't want to purge 'cos of my concert on sunday. And since my friend has kind of switched from bulimia to alcohol - I reckoned we would be drinking all weekend.

And we did...
I did fine about the food and purging, but since I use that to vent all the feelings that build up - it didn't go very well on saturday on my birthday party. I was just too tired of everything. We had a grate time with all my guests at her house, but then we decided to go out to party. And I just get so triggered and afraid, so I blacked out as a result of a panic attack and DiD. And everybody just assumed that it was from too much alcohol - and I'll admit I had been drinking - but that's not why I blacked out. It's just that I'm not able to speak and explain myself when I'm in that state. That's kind of part of the whole ptsd DiD thing.

So I ended up being picked up by the police, 'cos everybody just thought I was so drunk. And that didn't help much on the whole ptsd and DiD situation. I am terrified to feel trapped or people holding me and not letting me go. And just to get locked up in the back of a van...!!! I have bruises all over my upper arms from them grabbing me and holding me, and all the way down my back from being thrown in the back of the police car. I'm slightly underweight, and my spine kind of sticks out a bit, so it doesn't take much before I bruise. It hurts so much now. It's hard to sit 'cos I can't really lean back or rest my back against anything without it hurting. I even have bruises on my nose and chin. Don't know from what. I guess I was struggling and didn't want them to take me... ?

Luckily they took me to the emergency room instead of jail, 'cos they kind of understood that this was more than just alcohol.

I actually wanted to get admitted to psych for observation, but since I was semi able to answer their questions, they found me competent and just released me...

So I ended up in bed with a friend of mine. Luckily he didn't do anything to me, 'cos at that point, when I'm scared and dissociated I just frees. He could have done anything he wanted, and I wouldn't have been able to stop him. So I guess he's a true friend!

So now I'm back home, have finally purged my brains out, feel like shit, am just numb and suicidal.

How did my life end up this way? - Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! 5 days to x-mas. How on earth am I going to pick myself up enough to get everything organized in time!!!

Sat, 16 Dec 2006 13:30:35 GMT

Just wanted to say that I did go trough with mt concert and we went to see the musical, Hair yesterday. I am exhausted right now and we're far behind on everyting we need to do before the birthday party - kind op numb right now - but I will try to enjoy this... Just a bit hard!!!

Fri, 15 Dec 2006 10:51:24 GMT

So it,s my birthday to day... Well happy birthday to me... Ugh... :(

4 days purge free - so tired...

Thu, 14 Dec 2006 00:29:36 GMT

Ok - I'm four days purge free. I guess that's good... But right now I'm just so tired, and full of everything. I see more and more why I never seam to be able to find a middle ground on food. My ed is the only way I deal with emotions - and now that I haven't been able to purge out my feelings they just fill me up, and there is no room for food if I want to survive. Today I've had 40 cals and still feel disgustingly full.

I'm going to see my trauma therapist tomorrow. I usually look forward to see her 'cos it helps me so much - but right now I just feel like I have enough - I'm too full of feelings already, and I just can't bare to feel any more right now.
And then my concert's in the evening - so I can't purge. I just want to cancel it all, the concert, the musical, my birthday party - everything!!! I just want to curl up into a ball and hide forever.

My heart beat is really uneven tonight. Before I could go weeks and weeks with no food without getting any symptoms. Now it's enough with 3 days of little or no food before my blood preassure and heart beat is way off. I'm afraid my body is getting tired of this ed shit too...

Tue, 12 Dec 2006 23:18:38 GMT

Ok - three days purge free....
- I'm taking a handful of pills now so I can be sure I will get some sleep, and tomorrow will be easier I guess 'cos I simply haven't got time to purge - and maybe not even time to eat if I'm lucky.

Tue, 12 Dec 2006 20:07:25 GMT

Fuck,fuck,fuck!!!

- Ok, no harm done. Just relax - breathe in - breath out - repeat!!!
It's just a few cookies - you will live, it's not the end of the world - and it's not worth ruining it all for... You don't have to purge!!! Just breath, breath, breath...

You've done so good. You've been purge free for two days - you can do one more.
You baked the cookies for your birthday party. Everybody will love them and appreciate them so much
- you knew it would be difficult - and yes, you've had a few... there is no harm done. Now they are put away and you don't have to worry about them until you decorate them on friday.

You can do this - you can do this - you don't have to cut and you don't have to purge... just breath...

Holiday rant...

Sat, 09 Dec 2006 16:56:39 GMT

Don't read if you don't want to hear me wining...
...and if you do - please know that there is some sarcasm here. It's just well hidden... :)

I feel so restless and stressed and crazy.
I think it has something to do with the season.
This time of year has always been so difficult for me - as far back as I can remember.
I guess I'm not alone in this. Holidays are never good in a family situation that is crazy to begin with. When everybody gets stuck together for days and days with no school or work it's just band to make things worse.

My birthday is also near x-mas, and I remember the anticipation and excitement I had - every year hoping that it would be a nice day - but it always ended up bad. Well, most days did in my family - but I so hoped that my day could be nice, and I couldn't help feeling so disappointed when it didn't .

And the feeling of being so different, with the crazy family situation and the abuse starting when I was 9, it just felt stronger when everybody else looked like they were having a good time and was so happy. I know now that probably many of them felt just like me - but at the time I didn't know that. I just felt completely alone.

Then of course there are all the years being anorexic or bulimic witch is not a good mach with this particular holiday, since it seems like it all revolves around food!!!

But lately I think it's new years that bathers me the most. Yet another year wasted... Yet another year sick... Every year I have to add to how long I've struggled with an eating disorder...

And it doesn't even seem like this is the last either. I'm not even sure that I'm going in the right direction...

Someone once told me that as long as you keep moving it's a good thing. It's when you settle and stop moving that you should worry.  I don't know if I believe that...

Sometimes it feels like I only get worse, and dig myself further and further into this hole

Urgh... the holiday spirit is getting to me..

'tis the season to be jolly - fa la la la laaaa la laaa la laaaaaa

Why do I feel like this?

Sat, 09 Dec 2006 14:23:11 GMT

I know I have put on weight after my husband got so mad at me for being underweight again. So now I'm not anymore. So that might be the reason why I feel so shitty.

But still, I am far from overweight. I'm now at 58,5kg, and if I lost one stupid kilo - 1kg! - I would technically be underweight again.
So it's just a ridiculously little amount of weight, but I feel so fat and big and disgusting .
And every time I see the numbers on my scale I automatically want to change them around - my automatic response it that it's wrong!!! -  it should be 85,5 kg. It's honestly how I feel.

Why can't I ever be ok with my weight. And believe that I actually am normal. I'm not huge as a house.
Has the years and years of anorexia forever screwed up my mind, so that I will never feel normal at a normal weight.
'Cos I sadly have to admit that I long to be 39 kg again - even tho I know that's not a good idea.

And if I am honest with myself I know I wasn't happy then either. I felt just as fat and ugly then - but for some reason I believe that this time I would be happy with that...

Urgh... and deep down - when we're on the theme of being honest - it has nothing to do with the weight at all.  I know that.

Why is this so f**** hard!!!

Fri, 08 Dec 2006 21:47:12 GMT

I am so tired of this life. And since the last days have been such a hell... I still feel like I have to try to figure out a way to get better -both for my husband and our relationship and for myself. I'm just clueless on what to do and it's so hard to do this alone. But I can't give up... Just have no good ideas right now.

I feel a bit like the girls in there - actually I wish I was admitted to hospital right now. Is it the holieday spirit that's coming over me or what?

Thu, 07 Dec 2006 21:43:01 GMT

Since several of you have introduced yourself lately, and I know I never introduced myself, I thought maybe I should do so too. Hoping that you won't judge me - 'cos I'm kind of crazy... Sorry - I hope I can still stay here...

Just a little bit of my story - (some X posted from a comment I posted to a friend. )

I've put it behind a cut - 'cos my story is not just ed. So if you're interested... - but now you are warned, hehe :)

I got anorexia at around the age 15 -17. I'm not sure when it actually started 'cos I was abused by a teacher in this time period, and I remember very little about anything. I just know I was severely under weight - not eating at all, hospitalized and there was a lot of mess going on around age 17. Then I started to eat again, just to get out of the pressure from everybody around, and I got back to a normal weight/slightly over weight at times, and everybody thought - Oh she's fine now - she looks normal. Instead I suffered form coe ed for years - started cutting more severely, and it's a miracle I got through nursing school (I'm a nurse... but I haven't been working for years 'cos of my health problems.) As I finally admitted to myself that I had a serious ed and asked for help - that's when I learned how to purge - unbelievable!!! I got inpatient treatment for bulimics but it was definitively the wrong program for me 'cos they just focused on food and eating habits and I needed to work on the underlying problems like all the years of abuse was abused for years before the teacher too) - crazy family situation, and all that stuff - so I actually got worse by being there. So at my discharge I was again diagnosed anorexic - had lost 40 lbs while I was in there, and was sicker that ever - and then got my ptsd diagnose. So the last 5 years I've been anorexic/bulimic in a never ending cycle - depending on what I need at the moment - since the two ed-s meet different needs in my life on coping. I got inpatient treatment for ptsd a little over a year ago and it was discovered that I also have a multiple personality disorder witch complicates things even more. Imagine to discover that you must have binged and you can't even remember 'cos you were blacked out and one of your altars has had a "grate time" . I'm not trying to freak anybody out! Just ignore this post if it's to much... Sorry!!! I've also struggled with pill abuse at times - and I cut - since I was 12 - highly addictive too.
So now I'm 30 - been struggling with ed-s for 15 years. I feel like I've wasted all these years and haven't accomplished nearly as much of the things that I wanted by now - or the things most of people my age have. I still feel kind of like an insecure teenager - just trying to find out who I am and what to do with my life.

So that's a little bit about me... Feel free to ask me if you have any questions... Hugs to all of you.

Thu, 07 Dec 2006 15:58:25 GMT

I don't want to be all depressing and moaning. It's just that it's not going very well and I'm really upset about it.
I posted last that I had to stop this crazy bp shit at least for some days 'cos I'm a singer and we have 4 performances the next few weeks - and the purging is really killing my voice.
So what have I been doing since then - non stop binging and purging!!! And I didn't even crave them. I just did it anyway. All the time I hear this voices in my head - telling me not to do this - please stop - I don't even want to bp - PLEASE!!! And I STILL DO!!! I don't GET myself. Have I absolutely no control? My first performance is on sunday !!!- and I have an exstremly difficult solo part that is already at the limit of what I'm capable of - and that is when my voice is at it's best... OMG,OMG, OMG!!! I'm so desperate right now I soooo want to cut. Like that would do things better... There's a dress code at this event -you know...all pretty in a sleeveless dress... yeah right... - and I don't think showing up with fresh cuts and stitches is part of what they are looking for... My arms look bad enough as it is. I SO HATE MYSELF right now!!! *crying*

Tue, 05 Dec 2006 22:09:15 GMT

I think I will start a water fast tomorrow - thought about restricting to end a bp cycle that has lasted forever. But I find it really hard just to restrict - 'cos I often have really bad cravings when I've bp ed for a long time and even eating just a little bit is likely to trigger a binge. So the safest thing for me would be just a complete fast. So starting tomorrow and it will last until desember 18. Then I have finished all my performences - and I'm saved...

Never ending bp cycle lately...

Tue, 05 Dec 2006 19:14:42 GMT

So I have been in this never ending bp cycle latey. Luckily after the 4 lbs i put on when I started this crazy bp period, I haven't gained more - just got stuck at the same weight. I suppose I should be happy about that... The problem now is that i really have to get out of this mess - 'cos the purging is really killing my voice, and I'm a singer, and we have 4 shows now the next weeks plus the rehearsals - and I'm not able to do my solo if I keep up this bp shit. So it has to STOP!!! The problem is that I am just not able to just eat normal meals - so the only thing that will keep me from bping is restricting. So I just have to try to get motivated about that. 'Cos it would just devastate me if I mess up my performances due to this shit. ARGH!!!!

Thinspo
- need it to stay motivated to restrict and brake this bp shit!!!