Sorry for posting such a stupid entry last time - after not posting like forever.  Thanks to everyone who have taught of me and wondered how I am.  
Well - how am I doing?  
I don't really know.  Everything is pretty chaotic - and that's pretty much why I haven't posted lately.  Didn't know what to say... 
I'm working on my ed/bulimia with my trauma therapist at the moment - and she has a totally different approach to the problem than I have ever tried before - but even tho everything feels totally chaotic right now - I feel just a glimpse of hope that she might be on to something.  That I'm not a totally hopeless case after all - and that there's a way for me too.  Even if I just got a little bit better...

Ok.................. 
Being drunk almost all the time really helps whit the ed, you guys!!!!
First - you get numbed - and don't really feel the urge to binge eat - second , you are numb enough to don't care if you in fact ate something-  and third - being drunk is a PERFECT excuse to puke!!!!!
How  can I not win.... Well except - end up as an alcoholic in stead.... well, well.... 
 

I started this year of in a rather pessimistic and depressed way.  
All the years before - new years has at least to some degree inspired me to try to look at my life, an set some goals or at least have some wishes for the year ahead.  
Needless to say they haven't come true in the way I wanted before - and this year I was so discouraged and tired of disappointments, and in disappointing myself that I actually made a point of not having ANY goals or even wishes.  
I totally didn't care a shit about ANYTHING leading up to new years eve, drinking, "partying", ending up in bed with a friend on new years eve, with my husband sitting in the other room.  (nothing happened - I didn't even wanted to, but still!!!).  Started on some new meds 2. jan - which so far has just made me worse - more anxiety - NO sleep and I've just stopped eating (lost 6 lbs so far - ending up underweight again - which I'm kind of pleased about - even tho I know my husband doesn't exactly feel the same way...) but I've b/ped more the ever - just emptying out the kitchen of any possible left overs from x-mas.

I guess being disappointed that I can't manage to reach my goals or fulfill my dreams and wishes sucks - it sucks big time... 
But honestly - so does this "I don't give a f**** " thing that I have tried to convinced myself of lately too.

So I guess I just have to try to pick myself up again...
...and keep trying...
...trying to find a way, to make better choices for myself, to keep moving  - just hoping and praying that it's going in the right direction...

Lots of love to all of you guys!  *hug*

- 2007 -

A new year... 

And how do we start it of...?
Let's see...

I went to see my husband play the day before new years together with a friend of mine, and I got thrown out 'cos I was too slutty and the owner didn't understand that he's a friend of mine and I just get stupid when I drink!
Me and my husband had another "why do we even bother to try to work it out anymore" fights.
I swore I would not b/p anymore - lasted 5 hours.
I started on yet another medication today.
I bought yet another box of pills for my suicide security stash.
And my psychiatrist wants to get me admitted.

HAPPY NEW YEAR, DARLING!!!

If I never spoke again - maybe in the end I would become invisible.  
Or if I just smiled and did what was expected, and answered and laughed in the right places - maybe I would end up as part of the wall paper - and no one would ever notice that I'm actually gone... 

Or if I just stopped fighting for every breath - maybe my body would  just give up and I would stop breathing, '
and my heart would just think "oh finally - I can rest" and flat line... 

Haven't posted in a while.  I'm sooooo depressed again.  Totally suicidal.  Why do I even bother to try anymore....



I just want to fast until there is nothing left of the disgusting,wrecked, horrible me!

Ok I need to focus!!!  I'm not even almost on track with everything that needs to be done.  But I just sit here like paralyzed!  It's just overwhelming, and I don't seam to be able to do anything!

Binged all day again.  
Maybe 'cos I've done all my grocery shopping for the holidays today - like I can ever stand a fridge full of food.  And not the safe kind, I might add...  
And I finished all the cookie baking, and made all the sweets...  OMG!!!  
Didn't purge today either.  
I'm really in a kind of numb, self hating state of mind.  
And I was afraid that if I started purging today I wouldn't stop before I'd emptied out my fridge, and finished off all the stuff I've made for Christmas!!!  
...witch, btw, would have been fine if I was living alone!!! Then I could just call it a day, and this x-mas would finally be over  - even before it has begun - OMG wouldn't that have been nice!!!!  
But (sadly) I'm not alone, and I at least have to try to make (...or fake...?)  a semi normal x-mas for my husband.  And his whole family is coming to celebrate with us. 
 
How f****ing crazy wouldn't that be, lol !!!

"..Ohhh Welcome!!!
We are so happy you're all here to celebrate this joyful holiday with us.... - ....oh, btw.. ups... I just binged and purged all the food in the house yesterday, so I'm sorry we don't have anything to offer you...

Well, wtf - who needs food!  Lets drink!!!  Cheers!!!" 

I'm sorry that I haven't been posting or managed to keep up with you all the last few days.  I've been away, and had such a busy and crazy weekend.

I had so much to do this weekend - I guess that's supposed to be a good thing, it's just that I find it really tiring, 'cos I'm not able to do very much before it gets really hard for me.  And it gets even more difficult if I can't purge.  It just makes the ptsd and DiD problems worse, 'cos I use purging as kind of a vent for all that.

If any of you remember we went to see a musical on friday, had my birthday party at saturday, and my final concert on sunday.  And I was staying with a friend of mine who's an x-bulimic, so I didn't want to purge at her house, and I didn't want to purge 'cos of my concert on sunday.  And since my friend has kind of switched from bulimia to alcohol - I reckoned we would be drinking all weekend.


So now I'm back home, have finally purged my brains out, feel like shit, am just numb and suicidal.

How did my life end up this way? - Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!  5 days to x-mas.  How on earth am I going to pick myself up enough to get everything organized in time!!! 

Just wanted to say that I did go trough with mt concert and we went to see the musical, Hair yesterday.  I am exhausted right now and we're far behind on everyting we need to do before the birthday party - kind op numb right now - but I will try to enjoy this...  Just a bit hard!!!

So it,s my birthday to day...  Well happy birthday to me... Ugh...  :(

Ok - I'm four days purge free.  I guess that's good... But right now I'm just so tired, and full of everything.  I see more and more why I  never seam to be able to find a middle ground on food.  My ed is the only way I deal with emotions - and now that I haven't been able to purge out my feelings they just fill me up, and there is no room for food if I want to survive.  Today I've had 40 cals and still feel disgustingly full.

I'm going to see my trauma therapist tomorrow.  I usually look forward to see her 'cos it helps me so much - but right now I just feel like I have enough - I'm too full of feelings already, and I just can't bare to feel any more right now.  
And then my concert's in the evening - so I can't purge.  I just want to cancel it all, the concert, the musical, my birthday party - everything!!!  I just want to curl up into a ball and hide forever.

My heart beat is really uneven tonight.  Before I could go weeks and weeks with no food without getting any symptoms.  Now it's enough with 3 days of little or no food before my blood preassure and heart beat is way off.  I'm afraid my body is getting tired of this ed shit too...

Ok - three days purge free.... 
- I'm taking a  handful of pills now so I can be sure I will get some sleep,  and tomorrow will be easier I guess 'cos I simply haven't got time to purge - and maybe not even time to eat if I'm lucky.

Fuck,fuck,fuck!!!

- Ok, no harm done. Just relax - breathe in - breath out - repeat!!!
It's just a few cookies - you will live, it's not the end of the world - and it's not worth ruining it all for... You don't have to purge!!! Just breath, breath, breath...

You've done so good. You've been purge free for two days - you can do one more.
You baked the cookies for your birthday party. Everybody will love them and appreciate them so much
- you knew it would be difficult - and yes, you've had a few... there is no harm done. Now they are put away and you don't have to worry about them until you decorate them on friday.

You can do this - you can do this - you don't have to cut and you don't have to purge... just breath...

Don't read if you don't want to hear me wining...
...and if you do - please know that there is some sarcasm here. It's just well hidden... :)



'tis the season to be jolly - fa la la la laaaa la laaa la laaaaaa  

I know I have put on weight after my husband got so mad at me for being underweight again.  So now I'm not anymore. So that might be the reason why I feel so shitty.  

But still, I am far from overweight.  I'm now at 58,5kg, and if I lost one stupid kilo - 1kg! -  I would technically be underweight again.  
So it's just a ridiculously little amount of weight,  but I feel so fat and big and disgusting . 
And every time I see the numbers on my scale I automatically  want to change them around - my automatic response it that it's wrong!!!  -  it should be 85,5 kg.  It's honestly how I feel.  

Why can't I ever be ok with my weight.  And believe that I actually am normal.  I'm not huge as a house.  
Has the years and years of anorexia forever screwed up my mind, so that I will never feel normal at a normal weight.  
'Cos I sadly have to admit that I long to be 39 kg again - even tho I know that's not a good idea.

And if I am honest with myself I know I wasn't happy then either.  I felt just as fat and ugly then - but for some reason I believe that this time I would be happy with that...

Urgh... and deep down - when we're on the theme of being honest - it has nothing to do with the weight at all.  I know that. 

Why is this so f**** hard!!!